Marriage is....

            Marriage is hard.  It’s complicated, confusing, and sometimes downright messy.  Take mine, for example.  My husband and I are the two most “determined” people that most people have ever met.  And by ‘determined’ I mean stubborn….only with a much more warm-and-fuzzy feeling adjective.  We are two incredibly opinionated, driven, passionate people who are not prone to good communication habits.  We often go from zero to screaming like banshees in the blink of an eye and when one of us has our mind made up about something you’d be better off to try to move one of the Egyptian pyramids with your own bare hands & brute strength than to get us to change our mind.  Truth be told, even though I love Jesus with all my heart and soul & I try desperately to be like Him, I just cannot shake this selfish, stubborn streak that has shaped my personality.  I like my way.  I want my way.  And I often think my way really is better than anyone else’s way could possibly even THINK of being!!  Lord help me, I’m a mess.  And Lord help my husband, he picked me anyway. 

            The very thought of that brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.  Because only the two of us actually know what it’s taken to stay married for the past 14 years when lots of others would’ve called it quits.  The highs have been so very high, and the lows have been lower than I even want to remember.  I guess that’s where God takes our stubborn & uses it for His glory.  Because, that’s always been His plan.  At the end of the day, it’s a beautiful thing to have that ONE person to share it all with.  To have that ONE person that you can be your real, true, emotionally-naked self with.  The one who can often predict your next word before you say it, who knows what you want better than you do sometimes, and the one who has seen you cry the ugly cry and keeps coming back to dry the tears and wipe the snot.  Lots of people throw in the towel when it gets too hard & walk out on their marriages in search of another one who might not be so "stubborn" or "difficult" or "less controlling" or "more understanding".  Maybe it's the skeptic in me that fails to see how that's a good solution.  It seems like an awful lot of effort to go to trying to replace something you already have...even if it does gets a little broken & worn & bruised along the way & even if it does require tremendous time, dedication, & attention-to-detail to make it shiny & beautiful again.  Or maybe it's the just the "determined" part of me that knows how sweet the victories are when you simply refuse to quit on each other.  Praise God that James & I have done our share of victory dances together over the years.  

            Today is our 14^th anniversary.  & 4 years before that we started dating.  That makes 18 years of my life loving a man I met when I was 18 years old.  God knows that loving him has been hard at times.  God also knows that loving me can be downright impossible (just ask any one of my 4 sisters!).  But God knew what He was doing when we went to that coffee shop 18 years ago.  I’m thankful that even though these 2 “determined” people often choose to write their own story (because, let’s face it.  I’m a control freak & James always has to have a plan!), we are ALWAYS willing to let the Lord finish it.  Maybe someday we will change; become more “easy going” & less opinionated and make this life we share a little easier on each other.   But I kinda hope we don’t. I like us just the way we are.  Because what we get to be is living proof that God can take 2 imperfect people and make them absolutely perfect for each other.  And that’s just fine by me.  

Turmoil Brings Perspective...

Wow!  I rock at this blog thing, don't I?  I post something once every 3 months or so...yet I have a whole notepad on my phone of ideas for things to post that seem to keep getting pushed aside and left unsaid & undone.  Such is the life of a military wife who homeschools 4 kids, moved to a new house, & got a puppy, right?  

Well, something happened the other day that was almost immediately blog-worthy.  Never mind that it took me nearly 48 hours to write it down.  I said "almost immediately."  We've already established that I suck at this. The morning/early afternoon went to hell.  (Yes, I said hell.  I say "bad words" sometimes.  And I still love Jesus.  Feel free to judge me.  I'll wait till you get over it...really.) It went to hell in a hand-basket.  It just got ugly.  I had woken up that morning with a plan.  And within 2 hours my plan was unraveling.  The minutes were dragging by...my coffee was ice cold...we got one task accomplished, only to have 10 more that required MY immediate attention.  I was overwhelmed.  Really, I was more than overwhelmed.  I just don't know what the word is to describe that exactly.  So I'll buy an adjective--SUPREMELY overwhelmed.  I was overwhelmed by the self-inflicted amount of responsibility I feel every day to take care of James & our home, to educate our children, to entertain & train a puppy, & somehow find time to take care of myself.  On any given day (& most certainly that particular day) I have a sink full of dishes that are screaming my name, dirty counters, dirty toilets, paperwork that needs my attention, emails to check & send, floors to sweep, a puppy to play with, bills to pay, meals to cook, & school work COMING OUT OF MY EARS!!!  Papers to grade, lessons to plan, & help me Jesus, testing is less than 3 WEEKS AWAY!  And did I mention that I'm worried about my husband who is worried about his career now & post-Air Force?  And he probably had a point when he mentioned I should be making calls & looking into Master's programs so I can be prepared to reenter the work force in a few short years.  (If I knew how to put an emoji after that sentence I would.  The one with the big eyes and the straight mouth.  The one I think would say "Doh!" if it could talk to me. But, alas, I'm "new" at this...considering I only post once every 3 months or so!) Truth be told, in the midst of this personal turmoil all I could think about that sunny school day was "Is there even the slightest chance that I'm gonna make it onto that treadmill sitting in my garage because if I don't get a run in at some point today I might just crack and end up in the mental hospital and that would positively benefit NO ONE?!" 

But then the most insane thing happened to me.  I went from being overwhelmed to overjoyed. In less than 10 minutes.  And I didn't even have PMS.  

You see, while Ella & I were working on her reading lesson, Sophie decided to run downstairs to let the puppy out & give him some playtime. Nate, who struggles to focus his brain on ONE task at a time & see it through to completion in any reasonable amount of time, finished his ENTIRE spelling lesson in 10 minutes IN CURSIVE; which he's only been learning since December! Meanwhile, Jimmy crept into the kitchen on a holy mission to make lunch for all of them. PB & J sandwiches (carefully cut in half for the "littler" ones) with orange slices placed neatly on the edges of the plates, a few pieces of Pirate's Booty, & water bottles with a splash of lemon. 

...And there I found myself...at the bottom of the stairs...counting my blessings. Suddenly humbled by the work I have to do & realizing what wonderful, important work it truly is to do the things I love for the people I love the most.  I was reminded, in that moment, of how awesome the work I do every day really is. Maybe it never all gets done.  So what?  Really?  The truth is the important stuff gets done every day.  The time I spend listening to my children read, fixing healthy snacks, kissing boo boos, snuggling the puppy, & matching James' clean socks...Every day I choose to give the people I love a piece of my soul just because I want to.  And because they deserve it.  They are incredible human beings and I would be lost in a world where I had no one that depended on me and needed me as much as they do.  In those 10 minutes, 4 incredible little humans gave me back some of the joy that I'd almost allowed my own selfishness & anxieties to steal.  I forgot to remember how blessed I am to be insanely in love with a man who makes our crazy life possible and what a joy it is to spend every day teaching 4 impressionable hearts to leave their mark on this world by serving others before they serve themselves.  

So instead of counting assignments left unfinished, or bills left unpaid, or toilets left unscrubbed, I'm counting the one, enormous, SUPREME blessing of having people in my life worth working FOR.  And that, my friends, is something worth blogging about.  

What Song Does Your Life Sing?

**Before I begin I have to say, I'm working on a new "name, " "title", or whatever it's called in the blogosphere, for my blog.  Mostly because this super cool title has been used.  Like a million times.  Apparently about 100 other people thought this was a cute, catchy idea for a name too...& way before we did. Who knew, right?  & Far be it from me to step on anyone's toes or infringe on their copyright which truthfully sounds way too scary for me.   So, as soon as i figure out better name or how to actually go about editing the one I have (whichever may come first) I'll let y'all--ahem,  all 3 of my readers--know.  Now, onto the good stuff...

If my life story were a song, it could surely fall into one of 3 musical genres:

1)  A sad country song about my momma, my daddy, my first grade teacher, the family dog, & all of life's disappointments

2)  A loud, angry, screaming, ranting, kiss-off heavy metal masterpiece that would point out all the ways other people have failed me & let me down & send a clear message about how that made me feel

3) An insanely awesome, heart-bursting, make ya wanna jump up, dance, clap, shout & scream Praise & Worship song that would acknowledge My Redeemer's love, mercy, grace, & faithfulness in my life & how that trumps all the CRAP this world has & will throw at me. 

I choose #3.  Every day.  Every time.  Life isn't perfect.  It isn't fair.  People suffer.  I suffer.  But when I look back at my life--at all He has done & all He's doing now--all I can say is "Wow!"  The bad stuff is so much more bearable when you don't have to bear it alone.  I'm glad I realized that long ago & even more glad I chose to give it to Him rather than expecting any human being to fix it or make it better or less painful.  He doesn't always work it out the way I hope or expect.  & Sometimes He doesn't work it out at all.  Sometimes i just have to stand there while life beats me up & leaves me bruised.  But He sure does have a way of comforting me in the midst of all that nonsense.  And, oddly enough, that comfort remains when it's all said & done.  The bruises may still ache.  My heart may still ache.  But because i know He's there, it aches a little less.  Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again He’s proven that He’s faithful.  Faithful in the ways I least expect.  Faithful in giving me the things I didn’t even know my heart desired.  That, my friends, is love.  The Word says that, "Love covers a multitude of sins." I also believe that Love trumps a dozen heartaches, disappointments, sufferings, & failures.  I hope you all know that kind of love.  

So, what kind of song does your life sing? 

My Husband Made Me Do It...

Ok...so...here's my disclaimer.  This was all my husband's idea.  We're driving in the swagger wagon (aka the minivan i have affectionately dubbed, 'Otis') and he starts a conversation about how i should really start writing.  In an attempt to hide my eyeroll and sigh of exasperation, i indulge him by actually letting him continue.  He's bugged me for years about writing a children's book, writing a teenager book, writing any book i feel inspired to write...and i always have the same response: "I don't really think i have anything to say that people would find all that interesting."  But this time he came fully-loaded to the conversation.  Both guns blazing.  He pointed out a few facebook statuses that i wrote that got more that 5 'likes' and that people seem to respond when i have something to say.  & this time he tugged at my heartstrings by suggesting the ever-elusive (yet something i've secretly wanted to try for years) blog.  He had even come up with a catchy title for my blog.  Pretty cool, isn't it?! 

The bottom line is this, folks.  I'm not really sure what i'm doing in the world of super trendy, cool-looking, & mind-blowing blogs.  I don't have a million recipes for homemade everything to share.  I don't have any 5 minute fat busting workout routines to offer.  I'm no fashionista with tips and trends.  God knows i don't have any sage parenting wisdom to offer because mostly i just try to survive every day.  I'm well aware that my mom, my husband, my best friend, and maybe 1 out of my 4 sisters will be my ONLY faithful readers and certainly my biggest cheerleaders.  What i'm trying to say is that i'm just a housewife.  Plain & simple.  Once upon a time i was a school teacher who loved languages and reading books and journaling.  I was borderline obsessed with exercise.  Now i'm mostly just a mom.  i homeschool our 4 kids...not because i'm weirded out by public schools or as some silent protest against indoctrination or to take a silent stand for religious freedom.  i do so because i can.  because it's fun.  because i love teaching and i love watching them learn.  i workout every once in a while (although i'd love to lie and say i do it everyday).  And the only book i read regularly is my Bible.  So i guess this blog will just be a way to feed that part of me that has decided to trade private journaling in for a really public way to share the hilarious, frustrating, overwhelming, joy-filled, ordinary things that happen in my daily life.  Once i figure out how, i'm sure i'll add pictures and change up the font every once in a while.  And maybe, just maybe, i'll say something along the way to make you smile, or giggle, or actually 'lol'.  If i'm really lucky, God will drop a word in my heart & i'll be obedient enough to use it to inspire you...make you feel not-so-alone on this crazy journey called "life".  I guess i'm just gonna hang on and see where this thing takes me.  I hope you enjoy the read....i mean, ride...