Resolutions

'Tis the season, folks.  You know...that time of year when we all promise stuff we are going to do more or better or less or not at all.  It's no secret that i think my kids are pretty much the most amazing little human beings God ever put on this Earth, but my 8 year old has did something 2 days ago that threw down the gauntlet.

We read a book recently for history about Benjamin Franklin.  Apparently he reached a point in his life where decided he needed to make some personal changes.  In order to keep himself accountable, he made a list of his "resolutions" & kept it in his pocket so he could pull it out & read it & remind himself of the man he was striving to be. This idea has inspired my 8 year old son, Nate.  Two days ago i found him in our classroom writing this:

He's been carrying it in his pocket & pulling it out & reading it to remind himself of the kind of "man" he wants to be. 

I've always thought New Year's Resolutions were kinda overrated.  Mostly because i never really stick to any of mine for more than a week or two and neither does anyone else i know.  But today (thanks to Nate) i'm captivated by the knowledge that this New Year will bring a new opportunity to reflect on the kind of woman/wife/mom/friend/sister/daughter i want to be and to keep myself accountable to make the necessary changes.  Carrying a list in my pocket?  Nah.  That's highly unlikely.  But if i were gonna make a list this is probably what it would look like:

More Sleep/Rest

More FaceTime with Jesus

More Love, Grace, Humility, & Compassion

More Thinking and Listening 

More Long Walks with the Dog

More Long Runs with my Ipod 

More Laughter, Books, & Time Invested in the 5 Most Important People in my World

Less Exhaustion

Less Electronics & Social Media

Less Personal Judgements, Criticism, & Complaining 

Less Talking to & Listening to Other People who Complain

Less Excuses

Less Trying to Capture Moments to Upload to Facebook & Instagram & just LIVING IN the Moments 

In a nutshell, I want to spend 2015 sweating, laughing, reading, and on my knees listening & praying rather than being physically, mentally, & emotionally weighed down by things and people that will leave no true, lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people i love.  I realize that may seem selfish or even downright mean at times to others who don't understand or who are too self-involved to ask why.  But i think this New Year needs to be a new start for a Nichole who is less plugged in to the chaos of the world around her and more plugged in to the beauty of the world within her walls.  

Go figure.  My 8 year old made me realize that if i really want to impact the world around me, i'd be wise to start with the people closest to my heart.  I always knew my kids were amazing...

Stop it. Do Something Better.

 I don't have a lot of words tonight.  My heart is sick & my stomach is in knots.  Seeing our Country at such a low is unbearable.  I can't check the news any longer.  I cannot make sense of such utter nonsense.

This is what we need people.  Black men & women.  White men & women.  ALL men & women to call for peace & unity.  We need to speak to each other like respectable, reasonable human beings instead of seeking change by means of violence & hatred.  We must love one another & our Nation enough to move forward and make true, lasting change.

Life is precious.  Not ONE MORE man, woman, or child should die because of stupid, senseless violence. Shame on those of us who are saying this is justifiable.  Shame on those of us who sit around & complain on twitter & facebook & social media.  Shame on those of us who add fuel to this horrible fire.  We should demand better of each other.  We MUST be the change we want to see.

Instead of reading all these ignorant comments on social media, we should all look around tomorrow & find ONE WAY to make our communities better.  Give a homeless person a meal.  Bake cookies and take them to a fire station.  Buy a vet a cup of coffee.  Check on an elderly neighbor.  Pray for peace.  Find SOMEONE, ANYONE in need & DO SOMETHING TO HELP.  Be part of a solution, instead of sitting around complaining about the problems.

Comment here.  Let me know what you did.  Inspire each other.  Be a good citizen.  Be a good American.   Be a decent human being.  Love your neighbor.

Give.

All day i've been thinking of what i would write about this evening.  I had several thoughts swirling around in my brain and then something happened tonight that trumped any idea my brain could've  conceived.  And i owe it all to an upcoming piano recital & the sweetest 7-year old girl i've ever known.

This wonderful moment happened several hours ago, as i was tucking our sweet girls in bed.
Pjs were on, teeth were brushed & flossed, hair was braided, prayers were prayed, and i had given the final hugs & kisses as i was turning to walk toward the door.  Our sweet 7-year old, Sophie, said in a very soft voice, "I hope i get an award tomorrow night."

Tomorrow night is no ordinary Saturday night for this Crabby Crew.  Tomorrow night is the Christmas piano recital that 3 of our 4 children have been practicing pieces for since late September.  It may not seem like much to an adult, but to these kids it's an evening they've been waiting for & a performance that daddy made it home from a 3-week TDY just in time to witness.  The outfits & dresses have been chosen, nails polished, hairstyles planned, & in the case of our 8-year old, Nate, his Chuck Taylors & fedora are ready for action.  This is a big deal to these little people.

To say that Nate is a "natural" on piano would be a gross understatement.  I could brag & tell you how he taught himself the first few lines of Fur Elise by ear within the first few months of playing piano before he could even read notes, but i'll spare you all the details.  At last year's recital, Nate received an award and he has cherished this award for the past year.  Sophie was disappointed that she wasn't chosen for an award, but she smiled and hugged her brother and told him how proud of him she was.  But since that day, she has practiced with passion.  She is a girl on a mission...and she whispered that to me this evening.  Of course, i paused & gave her "the mom-speech" about how she doesn't need an award to make us proud, etc, etc, etc...But her response to my speech is what brought tears to my eyes & made my heart swell with joy, love, & unbelievable pride.

While i was talking, Sophie realized that Jimmy has been playing guitar for 3 years but his teacher doesn't do recitals.  This means that he's never played in front of an audience & he's never had the opportunity to receive an award.  In her sweet, scratchy voice Sophie told me that she knew that she was going to ask Santa Claus for.  "I'm going to ask him for a guitar award.  And when i unwrap it, i'm going to give it to Jimmy.  As a present from me to him!"  Let's just say I didn't have a "mom-speech" prepared for that one.

But that's our Sophie.  She's truly a unique child.  She has this gift of generosity.  She's a sweet spirit who yells from the back seat of the van every time she sees a homeless person, begging me to stop and give them a blessing bag.  She will share anything with anyone...including the gift she plans on asking Santa for this year.

That generous child.  That sweet, giving spirit.  Tonight she taught her mother a thing or two about how to put others first....even when your heart is aching for its own desires.  I know she's just being who God created her to be...but i pray she never allows the world to change her.  Because she may never be rich in the eyes of the world, but that little princess is storing up her treasures in heaven.

Pen Pals and Postcards

Pen Pals rock!  Did you ever have a pen pal as a child?  Our 3 youngest children have recently embraced the dying art of letter writing as a means of keeping in touch with some friends who moved several weeks ago.  And today they received their first letters in the mail!  To say that they were thrilled is a ridiculous understatement.   There was screaming and squealing and ripping of paper as they tore the envelope open and devoured those words.  It was a thing of pure beauty, i tell you.  They laughed.  They sighed.  And when it was all over they ran upstairs and piled up on one bed and compared letters and shared "remember when" stories and giggled.  About an hour later, i found them there...with notebooks and clipboards and pencils, spelling words for each other and arguing over who was going to write the address on the envelope.  They even asked if we could include postcards with the next set of letters we send!

Unlocking the mailbox and finding that envelope that contained those letters made this afternoon like Christmas morning in our home.  And for those few brief moments, the sadness of missing friends that has followed them like a black cloud these past 2 weeks was finally lifted.  They found joy in just remembering what a precious gift it is to find friends and make memories.  Good, true friends can be hard to find in this world where people come and go and change their convictions like Hollywood celebrities change spouses.  I'm hoping that the thrill of these letters will strengthen their resolve to maintain relationships with the people who touch their little lives and hearts in this sometimes hard, always crazy journey we call "military life."

This military lifestyle is both a blessing and a curse;  full of big surprises and little ironies.  I pray that at the end of the road our kids are better, more compassionate people who live lives of service and sacrifice...and that they share those lives with a few dozen pen pals along the way.

We've interrupted this regularly scheduled life & blog....to have the flu.  Yep.  that's right.  pretty sure that's why for the past 3 days I have ached all day & all night from my eyelids all the way down to my toenails.  Which also explains also why blogging has been much lower on the priority list than say, blowing my nose or better yet....sleep!

Before i get into what i wanted to share tonight, i wanted to give an update on our Noticing November jar.  We've done it every day.  Without fail.  Sometimes twice a day.  Because the funny thing about gratitude is that the more time you spend intentionally looking for things you can be grateful for, the more things you actually notice.  Our jar is filling up fast & it's going great; except for the part where they act like they're casting some top secret ballot every time they sit down to write out a card.  They're all like:

"hey!!  don't peek at my card.  NOBODY PEEK AT MY CARD!"  

"Moooom!!  Nate's trying to read my caaaaaard!" 

(& my personal favorite was from Ella)  "mommy?  how do you spell bwain?  like, 'i'm thankful for my bwain.'  But i'm NOT writing that boys!!" 

Apparently they've embraced the "no reading them till New Year's Eve" mandate.  It's just whatever.

In other news, the past few days have made me VERY grateful for some incredible people in my life.  Yesterday, one friend (who has her own houseful of kids that she homeschools and NUMEROUS responsibilities in our squadron) took my kids for almost 2 hours.  She baked cookies with the girls, let her son & my boys load up on minecraft, & ordered me to nap.  In silence.  It was everything to me.  Another friend went to the store to get me lemon for my tea today & a box of cereal to make tomorrow a little easier.  Another friend offered to make me soup.  And my phone literally buzzed all morning while friends, both military and civilian, both in Alaska & other states, texted me checking in to see if i needed anything & letting me know that they were praying for me.  

Then there is the matter of these marvelous human beings i call our children.  I woke up to our oldest, Jimmy, sitting at the foot of my bed telling me to go back to sleep while he took "the kids" downstairs to feed them breakfast.  About an hour later, i stepped out of the shower, to find Nate & Sophie planting this surprise in my room:

This almost melted me into a puddle of mommy mush.  Don't get me wrong, the card & the stickers & the "perfect penmanship" that they used to sign their names inside were great.  But the bag of candy & what it represented was what did it to me.  They proudly announced that they wanted to give me a get well present, but they didn't have anything to give....except Halloween candy.  So they all chose my favorites out of their stash & loaded up a ziploc bag & affectionately signed it, "The Carrabbia kids."  That may not look like much to you.  But to me it meant the world because they gave generously from what they had. This is the kind of generosity that we strive to put in their hearts.  The kind that says "i may not have much to give, but what i do have i give with a smile on my face & love in my heart."

So while I may not feel physically well, in my heart i feel better than i have in days.  I get to live everyday of my life with 4 little people that are turning into 4 amazing big people with even bigger hearts.  i can't think of a better reason than that to be grateful today.

Noticing November

There's a new sheriff in town.  Well, in all honesty, since my husband is TDY for a while i'm the ONLY sheriff in town.  And every military wife will add a resounding "Amen" when i explain why this is one of the bonuses of military life.  If you've gotta be without your spouse for ANY amount of time, you've gotta look for "perks" to keep from getting resentful in the times when you shoulder the burden of the household alone.  One of these "perks" happens to be getting to be the only boss in the house.  I think i speak for a great number of ladies i know when i say that THIS is the exact time we rearrange the furniture, reconfigure chore charts, and rethink the day-to-day operating procedures in our homes.  Some may see this as a power trip of sorts.  If we are getting really raw and honest this is our way of "controlling" an area of our lives when we find ourselves in a situation where we have very little control.

So, now that we've established that i'm a control freak during times like these, let me share with you what i'm "controlling" today.  I taught a lesson this morning at church about gratitude...funny thing, since this topic has been popping up all over my thought/prayer life lately.  I've made a decision to "control" the entire month of November by deliberately and purposefully cultivating a daily attitude of gratitude and thankfulness in my life and the lives of our children.  Lately i've been feeling like November is just a stepping stone.  It's that funky month between GETTING free candy for Halloween and GETTING more stuff for Christmas.  And i've decided to single-handedly shut that nonsense down in the Crabb Shack.

So, henceforth, this month shall be known as Noticing November (thanks to my super cool friend Sarah for her awesome alliteration!).  We are gonna spend this whole month noticing the things we have to be thankful for every day.  And it's gonna start with this jar:

Every day, for the remainder of the month, the kids and i are each going to write down something that we are thankful for that day.  And every day, for the remainder of the month, we are going to pray together and ask the Lord to show us ways that we can bless others.  Between now and New Year's Eve my deepest desire is that we take time every day to notice the ways that we are blessed and to keep our eyes wide open to notice ways that we can bless others.  Before we head into 2015 on the holiday high that often comes with receiving the gifts of our dreams, i want us to spend some serious time deliberately focused on what we already have and on what we can give to others between now and then.  Then, on New Year's Eve, i would like for us to open these little notes & count our blessings one by one so that we can usher in the new year with joy and thanksgiving and hopefully a commitment to serving and giving in 2015.   I want the cornerstones of our family to be joy and contentment.  And it just so happens that this sheriff thinks that gratefulness is a great place to start.

No-sayer. And proud of it.

I'm a big No-sayer.  Just ask my kids.  On any given day my kids know that if they want a "yes" answer about video games, or tv, or french fries, or candy they should probably ask their dad first.  Don't worry, i've read all the books all the so-called experts have written about how emotionally unhealthy it is for kids to always hear the word "no."  Personally, i think they're full of crap.  Disappointment is part of life.  We don't always get what we want when we want it.  & i think there's something to be said for being able to accept "no" as an answer.  Funny thing i've noticed lately is that I often say "no" when the answer should probably be "i don't know" or "maybe" or "wait."   In my reasoning, the advantage to doing this is twofold.  First,  i can avoid all of the nagging that inevitably accompanies a "maybe" answer.  And second, it buys me time to ponder the request & i always know that i reserve the right to change my mind later because, after all, i'm a girl.  And i happen to be the mom.

So, when my daughter approached and BEGGED me for a bottle of "big girl perfume" i gave my initial, obligatory "no" answer.  I gave the same response when she asked for sparkly eyeshadow, Colored lip gloss, dangle earrings, and shiny shoes with a "little high heel."  Don't get me wrong, i remember being a little girl and dreaming of someday having a life that was full of these things. As a matter of fact, i still remember requesting my first bottle of Love's Baby Soft perfume.  I  vividly recall having this page torn out of Seventeen Magazine & scotch taped into my middle school locker because of course this hottie was talking about ME....whether or not he knew how to spell my name....

When it comes to grown-up things for little kids, i'm not really sure how popular my opinion is.  Quite honestly it makes no difference if people agree or disagree with me.  I think there's wisdom in learning to accept disappointment and wisdom in learning to wait.  Our daughter Sophie "waited" until her 6th birthday for her first bottle of Love's Baby Soft (big girl) perfume.  And on her 7th birthday she finally got her first pair of dangle earrings.  Our son Jimmy waited until he was 12 to be allowed to play certain video games rated "T" for teen and even though his 2 years of waiting for his own cell phone may be coming to a close this Christmas, the answer to his request for an iphone with unlimited  everything and no restrictions will ABSOLUTELY be a firm & very definitive NO.

For kids as well as adults, it's nice to have something to look forward to.  Sometimes when we get our heart's desire we realize it was so much more than we ever dreamed and other times we discover it's not all it was cracked up to be.  And then there are those times that the desire just remains unfulfilled.  No matter how it ends up I think there's wisdom to be gleaned along the way.  If we are unwilling to indulge in self-pity, we are sure to end up a little more wise and a whole lot more grateful.

Several hours ago, I learned something that has blown my mind and rocked my world.  Never in a million years would i have thought that this could be true.  Apparently i've been in a bubble for 20+ years...or at least in a state of denial.  Tonight i learned that there are actually people in the world who HATE Winnie-the-Pooh.  

I could understand "dislike".  Or maybe that particular bear not being someone's favorite...but "hate" was the word my friend used when Pooh came up in casual conversation...and don't act like you've never had a casual conversation about Pooh!  I hate poverty.  I hate animal cruelty.  I hate child abuse.  But hate Winnie-the-Pooh? I can't even.

I've loved many cartoons from my childhood but none have i felt such an affinity for as i do for Pooh Bear.  As a child i found the gang in the hundred acre wood silly & sweet; but as an adult i see so much more.  I see this group of friends, some of them misfits, all with their strengths and weaknesses & quirks.  Frightened little Piglet, OCD Rabbit, free-spirited Tigger, Roo the optimist, gloomy good-hearted Eyeore, and simple-minded yet ridiculously profound Pooh Bear.  All of these various personalities somehow mesh together into the wisest, strongest group of friends...the weaknesses of one so complimentary to the strengths of another.

I probably read way too much into this simple cartoon.  But i can't help but think of all the people that have touched my life over the years.  I've been an adventurous soul for as long as i can remember.  I've left the comfort & familiarity of my "hundred acre wood" many times.  Sometimes my adventures have been on another continents, sometimes across state lines...but every time without fail once i've settled into a new place i've met new, incredible, amazing people.  Some are very different than me.  All of them have their quirks.  And there have even been a few misfits along the way.  But regardless, I've managed to become stronger & wiser because each of them has entered my life.  And i feel so incredibly blessed to call so many of them my true, honest-to-goodness friends.

Maybe i'm biased when it comes to Pooh.  I'll be the first to admit i'm the girl who cannot make it through the Heffalump soundtrack without going through a whole box of kleenex.  The second Carly Simon sings, "i think i feel more like myself when i'm with you" in the Shoulder to Shoulder song i dissolve into a puddle of i-miss-my-friends-who-are-scattered-all-over-the-globe mush.  It's whatever, i guess.  All i know is that friendship has always lightened my load & brightened my skies.  On the gloomiest of days, when the time has come to say goodbye to the people i've cherished, gratitude is always the thing that is left behind in my heart.  Because, in the words of a very famous (and perhaps the wisest) bear who ever 'lived', "it's so much friendlier with two."

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis lately.  Not in the way you may think though.  I'm trying to figure out who ELSE i am...you know....besides Nichole: wife of James, mother of our 4 little Crabblings, homeschool teacher, domestic goddess, unpaid chauffeur, sister, daughter, friend, etc.... It occurred to me several months ago that somewhere in the midst of all these titles and jobs and things and people vying for my attention i've lost touch with some of the things that used to define me.

Take fitness, for example.  I work out off & on these days & i still wear what most would consider a despicable jean size for a lady who has birthed 4 children & has been graduated from high school for almost 20 years.  But skinny doesn't equal healthy.  And these days, i'm not feeling so healthy.  I used to be passionate about being healthy & in lots of ways i still am.  We don't eat out often, eat a (mostly) clean diet that includes a handful of processed foods and a TON of organic fruits & veggies, lean free-range meats, fresh fish (most of which James & the boys caught this summer) & cage free eggs lain only by hens that have been humanely treated....and yet i still don't feel healthy.  On the occasions that  i do make time for a workout i attack it with no where near the same consistency and ferocity that i once did.  I'd be lying if i said this doesn't make me very frustrated & somewhat disappointed in myself.

Most days, I'm exhausted at best; overwhelmed at worst.  The to do list never gets done and when you homeschool you really don't understand what this "me time" is that other women talk about on social media.   Even when the kids are in bed & the dishes are done there's always someone or something that needs your attention....even if that someone squeaking the new toy you bought him at your feet & looking up at you with adorable eyes wondering why you're not sitting on the floor playing with him now that all the little people in the house are asleep.

I'm not looking for a pep talk or a pity party.  I'm not complaining either.  I absolutely love my life, so please don't misunderstand.  What i'm looking for is women (moms in particular) who will stand up and be honest about this kinda stuff.  Whether you're a single mom, stay-at-home mom, working mom, homeschooling mom, or a mom whose kids are grown and gone i think we all struggle with these kinds of feelings from time to time.  I think we all try to figure out who we are in each season of life and that usually depends on the number of people who need us & the depth of their needs.   Face it ladies, some seasons are definitely easier than others and often we don't realize how good we had it & how easy it was until we have moved onto a much more challenging season.  We often feel like we aren't doing enough or being enough for the people who are depending on us when the reality is that they're perfectly content & well taken care of.

As i'm working my way through this current season & my place in it, i want to encourage those of you are struggling, like me, to find out where you rank on your priority list.  I'm not talking about selfishly indulging in self-centered, destructive, or unhealthy patterns of behavior.  I'm simply letting you off the hook of mom-guilt on which you've been hanging & encouraging you to give yourself a breather every once in a while.  As women & as moms i think we tend to give ourselves all the criticism & none of the credit.  If we are doing our best every day, no one can possibly ask us for more.  And by not making our mental, physical, emotional, & spiritual health a priority, it turns out that we are really shortchanging ourselves because we don't make time to breathe & enjoy our lives just as they are; all the while finding time to do the things that feed our souls a little from time to time.  Ladies, i challenge you (& MYSELF) to enjoy a HOT cup of coffee instead of setting it down to go wipe someone's nose & throw the clothes from the washer into the dryer & feed the dog & get the mail & yell at the kid who left the pointy, blue lego on the steps & then coming back an hour later when it's ice cold & guzzling it down anyway.  Take a walk outside without the dog or the kids & breathe in the crisp, cool fall air.  Read a book.  Paint a picture.  Email an old friend.  Lace up those shoes and get your sweat on.  Sip a glass of wine slowly.  Write a blog.  Whatever that small thing it is that you often put on the back burner to take care of those you love.  Love yourself enough to make yourself a priority sometimes, too.

For the past 2 weeks, i've been giving less advice to others taking some of my own (for a change).  I've  managed to make my health a priority by setting goals that will force me to work out and keeping myself accountable by dragging a friend along the torturous road that is sure to pave our next several months.  I'm spending more time with Jesus and less time texting and reading status updates.  & I'm finding my voice in this blog...no matter how big or small my audience may be.

Goodbyes suck.  How's that for honesty?  Truly, they are one of the things that we military wives have a love/hate relationship with.  One would think that we become pros at them after a while, but the truth is we dread them just as much, if not more, than most people.  Every PCS season brings with it its fair share of goodbyes & they never seem to get any easier.

This evening i sat at a table with a bunch of women i've become pretty close with over the past 2 1/2 years.  Some of them i know better than others.  We've laughed a lot, cried quite a bit, & shared lots of stories about our husbands & children & various life experiences. But the purpose of tonight's gathering was a little different than most weeks.  Tonight we gathered to share a meal and say goodbye to a very dear friend who will be leaving us in a few short days.  A thought occurred to me while i was in the midst of these awesome ladies.  My family's time in Alaska is winding down as well and we will be moving in less than a year. So, i've decided to prepare myself for these looming goodbyes a little differently this time around.

Without further ado, i give you my top 3 reasons that saying "hello" sucks and saying "goodbye" is way better:

1.)  Hellos can be awkward.  People are weird.  Some people are easily offended, others not so much. Occasionally I meet a person and we "click" and fall into a natural conversation, but most of the time I don't spend my hello-moments really listening to what the other person is saying because I'm too busy wondering whether or not they're weird and whether or not they like me or, worse yet, if they think I'm the weird one.  By the time i say goodbye, i almost always know who the weird one is.  And if its them, my goodbye is never awkward.

2.)  When I say hello there's a 50/50 chance I may never talk to that person again.  If they are weird, or if they think i'm weird, or there's really no love-connection between us there's a good chance we will never really speak again unless we stumble upon each other accidentally in the grocery store or dentist's office.  But by the time i say goodbye to that person, i almost always know whether or not they will be a forever-friend.

3.)  Hellos never involve tears, hugs, & snot.  Since all the important goodbyes we say usually involve one or all of those 3 essential elements (if you're a girl or a human being with any emotion, that is) i submit that those are precisely what makes goodbyes infinitely better.  Deep feelings are the stuff that make life great. So i figure if i'm bawling, wiping snot, & hugging onto the person for dear life it can only mean that they've touched my life and my soul in a very special way & that i'm a better person for having known them.

In the grand scheme of things, the time we spend saying hello and goodbye to our people really makes up a very small portion of how we spend our lives.  I'm a believer that perspective is a really big, important thing that we often fail to gain when we insist on dwelling on the small moments in life.  When we put our whole energy into focusing on one moment in time, we often overlook the bigger, more beautiful picture that each moment is inevitably part of.  So this time around i'm gonna focus on landscape portrait rather than the puny snapshot.  The portrait that includes all the things i've learned & the ways i've grown & changed as a result of my people that i've come to know and love.  This time around I'm going to try to cherish and savor the goodbyes.  Maybe then the tears, hugs, & snot will feel a little less like an ending and a little more like a celebration of how we've become part of each other's lives and stories.

Learning to Fail

It's day 2 & i've almost failed myself and my friend Sarah and my 4 loyal readers.  Anyone who knows me knows i don't like failing at anything.  ever.  so how is it that it's almost 10pm & i have given about a half of a second of my day to deep thoughts & blog posts?  well, i'll tell you how in 1 word: Vomit.  In less than 24 hours vomit has overtaken my household & my life.

It started off as what i THOUGHT was food poisoning in my 8 year old.  By 2am i was ready to go to the ER with him for fluids, while making a pit stop at a local restaurant to karate chop someone in the adam's apple for doing this to my son.  Good thing i'm a woman of restraint.  because fast forward 7 hours and he's just starting to hold down liquids while i'm holding the hair of my sweet 5 year old daughter & listening to a voice in my head whispering how i had wasted the whole night laying on the couch staring at my 8 year old curled up on the loveseat, waiting to spring into action with his puke bucket, & cursing another human being for something they OBVIOUSLY had nothing to do with.  Nothing beats a little exhaustion mixed with a lot of helplessness & mom guilt, right?

Fast forward another 12 hours and they're all sound asleep in their beds & once again i am cool, calm, & collecting my thoughts.  2 of them have had a horrible 12 hours & i'm sitting in this chair typing & praying that the other 2 don't need buckets of their own between sunset & sunrise.

Being a parent is hard work.  And i'm beginning to suspect that it doesn't get any easier as they get older.  bigger kids will surely bring bigger worries.  today it was vomit, tomorrow it might be friends who are unkind.  Months from now it could be the sadness of saying goodbye to one neighborhood or the uneasiness of trying to "fit in" to another.  And years from now it could be standing in an airport as that same 8 year old that i sat with last night boards a plane as a full-grown man to go be a missionary in Syria & bring hope to the hopeless (lucky me he's announced that this is what he's GOING to do with his life, so i've got plenty of time to "prepare" myself for that moment).

there's only one thing i can think of that can possibly make raising children a completely bearable & worthwhile pursuit.  And that is knowing that these "babies" aren't really mine, anyway.  They've been given to me, entrusted to me for a very short time, by a Father who loves them in infinitely more profound ways than i ever could.  My role is to guide them and lead them toward the specific destiny that He alone has created each of them to fulfill.  I guess i could be a little irritated that i have to do all the "dirty" work in this arrangement of His....quite literally, "dirty", as it were last night! Or i could look at it as a privilege to love these little humans so deeply that i would gladly sacrifice a night of sleep to  rub their backs, sing them songs, or hold their hands and hair just to give them a glimpse of the depth of the love that He & I certainly have for them.

So i guess if i have to choose whether to be grateful or to be irritable, i choose gratitude. Because i can't think of a better thing to be grateful for than the gift of loving these little people and then letting them go & turning them over to Him so He can faithfully finish the work He's already begun in each of their lives.  And i guess if i fail at blogging but succeed at being grateful for the gift that this time with them truly is,  i'm gonna have to learn to be ok with a little failure every once in a while.

words, words, words

            I have a friend.  Her name is Sarah.  She’s a really good writer & she sent me a text yesterday about this blog challenge.  She’s just finishing one she did for October and she encouraged me to join the Cool Kid Club and do this one for November.  So, there you have it.  That’s why I’m doing this.  Because Sarah said I should.  And my husband.  And my mom.  And countless other friends and family members who’ve been telling me for years that I should write more.  Apparently I’m not a fast learner or a good listener.

            Truth be told, I’m not even sure I’m that good of a writer.  There.  I said it.  I’m pretty much….average.  But here’s the deal: I love words.  I am obsessed with language.  In my humbly average opinion, words are one of the greatest gifts God ever blessed us with.  With a simple word, we have the power to make a person feel better & more special & more loved than they’ve ever felt before.  And with a simple word we can tear a person’s soul to shreds.  Words are incredibly wonderful, magical, powerful things.  For better or for worse. 

            So, that’s why I’m doing this.  For the next 30 days I’m gonna write words every day.  I don’t know yet what they’re gonna be about.  Hopefully there will be more happy words than sad ones; more encouraging ones than discouraging.  If my loyal readers (all 3 of them) are really lucky I’ll crack a joke or two & one of them might even be funny.  Mostly I just plan to write about my life, my family, my faith, big things, little things, important things, trivial things…But when it’s all said and done and my 30 days are up, I just hope I’ve written a word or two that spoke love, encouragement, & hope to the heart and soul someone who read it.   Because even an average writer like me is surely capable of that.  

Marriage is....

            Marriage is hard.  It’s complicated, confusing, and sometimes downright messy.  Take mine, for example.  My husband and I are the two most “determined” people that most people have ever met.  And by ‘determined’ I mean stubborn….only with a much more warm-and-fuzzy feeling adjective.  We are two incredibly opinionated, driven, passionate people who are not prone to good communication habits.  We often go from zero to screaming like banshees in the blink of an eye and when one of us has our mind made up about something you’d be better off to try to move one of the Egyptian pyramids with your own bare hands & brute strength than to get us to change our mind.  Truth be told, even though I love Jesus with all my heart and soul & I try desperately to be like Him, I just cannot shake this selfish, stubborn streak that has shaped my personality.  I like my way.  I want my way.  And I often think my way really is better than anyone else’s way could possibly even THINK of being!!  Lord help me, I’m a mess.  And Lord help my husband, he picked me anyway. 

            The very thought of that brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.  Because only the two of us actually know what it’s taken to stay married for the past 14 years when lots of others would’ve called it quits.  The highs have been so very high, and the lows have been lower than I even want to remember.  I guess that’s where God takes our stubborn & uses it for His glory.  Because, that’s always been His plan.  At the end of the day, it’s a beautiful thing to have that ONE person to share it all with.  To have that ONE person that you can be your real, true, emotionally-naked self with.  The one who can often predict your next word before you say it, who knows what you want better than you do sometimes, and the one who has seen you cry the ugly cry and keeps coming back to dry the tears and wipe the snot.  Lots of people throw in the towel when it gets too hard & walk out on their marriages in search of another one who might not be so "stubborn" or "difficult" or "less controlling" or "more understanding".  Maybe it's the skeptic in me that fails to see how that's a good solution.  It seems like an awful lot of effort to go to trying to replace something you already have...even if it does gets a little broken & worn & bruised along the way & even if it does require tremendous time, dedication, & attention-to-detail to make it shiny & beautiful again.  Or maybe it's the just the "determined" part of me that knows how sweet the victories are when you simply refuse to quit on each other.  Praise God that James & I have done our share of victory dances together over the years.  

            Today is our 14^th anniversary.  & 4 years before that we started dating.  That makes 18 years of my life loving a man I met when I was 18 years old.  God knows that loving him has been hard at times.  God also knows that loving me can be downright impossible (just ask any one of my 4 sisters!).  But God knew what He was doing when we went to that coffee shop 18 years ago.  I’m thankful that even though these 2 “determined” people often choose to write their own story (because, let’s face it.  I’m a control freak & James always has to have a plan!), we are ALWAYS willing to let the Lord finish it.  Maybe someday we will change; become more “easy going” & less opinionated and make this life we share a little easier on each other.   But I kinda hope we don’t. I like us just the way we are.  Because what we get to be is living proof that God can take 2 imperfect people and make them absolutely perfect for each other.  And that’s just fine by me.  

Turmoil Brings Perspective...

Wow!  I rock at this blog thing, don't I?  I post something once every 3 months or so...yet I have a whole notepad on my phone of ideas for things to post that seem to keep getting pushed aside and left unsaid & undone.  Such is the life of a military wife who homeschools 4 kids, moved to a new house, & got a puppy, right?  

Well, something happened the other day that was almost immediately blog-worthy.  Never mind that it took me nearly 48 hours to write it down.  I said "almost immediately."  We've already established that I suck at this. The morning/early afternoon went to hell.  (Yes, I said hell.  I say "bad words" sometimes.  And I still love Jesus.  Feel free to judge me.  I'll wait till you get over it...really.) It went to hell in a hand-basket.  It just got ugly.  I had woken up that morning with a plan.  And within 2 hours my plan was unraveling.  The minutes were dragging by...my coffee was ice cold...we got one task accomplished, only to have 10 more that required MY immediate attention.  I was overwhelmed.  Really, I was more than overwhelmed.  I just don't know what the word is to describe that exactly.  So I'll buy an adjective--SUPREMELY overwhelmed.  I was overwhelmed by the self-inflicted amount of responsibility I feel every day to take care of James & our home, to educate our children, to entertain & train a puppy, & somehow find time to take care of myself.  On any given day (& most certainly that particular day) I have a sink full of dishes that are screaming my name, dirty counters, dirty toilets, paperwork that needs my attention, emails to check & send, floors to sweep, a puppy to play with, bills to pay, meals to cook, & school work COMING OUT OF MY EARS!!!  Papers to grade, lessons to plan, & help me Jesus, testing is less than 3 WEEKS AWAY!  And did I mention that I'm worried about my husband who is worried about his career now & post-Air Force?  And he probably had a point when he mentioned I should be making calls & looking into Master's programs so I can be prepared to reenter the work force in a few short years.  (If I knew how to put an emoji after that sentence I would.  The one with the big eyes and the straight mouth.  The one I think would say "Doh!" if it could talk to me. But, alas, I'm "new" at this...considering I only post once every 3 months or so!) Truth be told, in the midst of this personal turmoil all I could think about that sunny school day was "Is there even the slightest chance that I'm gonna make it onto that treadmill sitting in my garage because if I don't get a run in at some point today I might just crack and end up in the mental hospital and that would positively benefit NO ONE?!" 

But then the most insane thing happened to me.  I went from being overwhelmed to overjoyed. In less than 10 minutes.  And I didn't even have PMS.  

You see, while Ella & I were working on her reading lesson, Sophie decided to run downstairs to let the puppy out & give him some playtime. Nate, who struggles to focus his brain on ONE task at a time & see it through to completion in any reasonable amount of time, finished his ENTIRE spelling lesson in 10 minutes IN CURSIVE; which he's only been learning since December! Meanwhile, Jimmy crept into the kitchen on a holy mission to make lunch for all of them. PB & J sandwiches (carefully cut in half for the "littler" ones) with orange slices placed neatly on the edges of the plates, a few pieces of Pirate's Booty, & water bottles with a splash of lemon. 

...And there I found myself...at the bottom of the stairs...counting my blessings. Suddenly humbled by the work I have to do & realizing what wonderful, important work it truly is to do the things I love for the people I love the most.  I was reminded, in that moment, of how awesome the work I do every day really is. Maybe it never all gets done.  So what?  Really?  The truth is the important stuff gets done every day.  The time I spend listening to my children read, fixing healthy snacks, kissing boo boos, snuggling the puppy, & matching James' clean socks...Every day I choose to give the people I love a piece of my soul just because I want to.  And because they deserve it.  They are incredible human beings and I would be lost in a world where I had no one that depended on me and needed me as much as they do.  In those 10 minutes, 4 incredible little humans gave me back some of the joy that I'd almost allowed my own selfishness & anxieties to steal.  I forgot to remember how blessed I am to be insanely in love with a man who makes our crazy life possible and what a joy it is to spend every day teaching 4 impressionable hearts to leave their mark on this world by serving others before they serve themselves.  

So instead of counting assignments left unfinished, or bills left unpaid, or toilets left unscrubbed, I'm counting the one, enormous, SUPREME blessing of having people in my life worth working FOR.  And that, my friends, is something worth blogging about.